NO! IT'S the most beautiful girl I've ever seen
by 8I
Summary: Alianariaseaefala is the most beautiful girl in all of middleearth. None can look upon her and the others of her ilk without melting into puddle of goo... except for one. Enter Gimli son of Gloin. Discontinued, for now.


**A/N: Hi all! I just noticed that the old versio that this one had the beggining of chapter two tagged on to the end of it. Anyway, I just want to mention this is a PARODY. Don't take this seriously. In fact, I wouldn't take any of my stories seriously.  
****It's just that I noticed a little while ago that this one had been added to the 'LotR Worst of the Worst' C2, and I'm not entirely sure why. Is it a badly written parody? Be honest!**

**Anyway. . . .**

**NOOOO! IT'S - the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. . . **

_By Gecko_

Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl.

Her name was Alianariasëaefala Oenalarsafalothanarien Jaharanalercotania, and she was the most beautiful in all of Middleearth and she was loved by all.

But so was Zenara Warrior Princess Ranger of the North, Brittney Julia Rebecca Mary Sue Sarah Brianna Forest, and Aquamarine Moonbeam Sunlight Stardust Flowerpetal Fairyglitter Waterstone Firebird, among others.

Alianariasëaefala Oenalarsafalothanarien Jaharanalercotania was King Elrond's youngest daughter and by far the most beautiful. Arwen was like a wet rag compared to Alianariasëaefala Oenalarsafalothanarien Jaharanalercotania.

Alianariasëaefala Oenalar . . . -oh whatever- would have liked to say that her beauty did not go between them, but that would have been a lie, and Alianariasëaefala never lied.

So, alas, Arwen hated Alianariasëaefala.

AOJ bore it, however, because she knew that somewhere out there, there was a man and an adventure with her name on it.

When Arwen rode into Rivendell one day with Frodo in her arms, something told Alianariasëaefala that her adventure had come.

"What's wrong with him? Is he hurt?" She rushed over and stood looking at his face worriedly. It looked like it was turning green.

"Go and find my Ada! He is in the Gardens, I think," said Arwen, pointing in the opposite direction from which she could see Elrond coming.

AOJ said, "OK!" and ran (gracefully) off to the Gardens.

Elrond came and scooped Frodo up in his arms, then carried him to the House of Healing.

Forty minute later AOJ burst into the room. "There you are Father! I've been looking all over for you!"

"Go. There is nothing you can do here." Elrond was deliberately keeping his back turned, knowing that Frodo's life depended on it.

"But Father! You know that I am the best healer here," AOJ whined.

"GO! You are distracting me." He added in little more than a mutter, "And I am NOT your Father."

AOJ burst into tears and fled the room. She flung herself down onto the soft grass and let the perfect tears pearl shaped tears flow down her perfect face.

She tried to fit in, but was it her fault that she was so irresistibly beautiful?

No one understood her at all.

AOJ suddenly heard a noise. It sounded like clopping hooves.

AOJ ran to the gate and in came Aragorn, the four Hobbits, and Zenara Warrior Princess Ranger of the North.

"Aragorn!" cried AOJ, flinging her arms around him in a warm embrace. "It's great to see you!" She turned to Zenara Warrior Princess Ranger of the North. "And who are you?"

"I'm Zenara Warrior Princess Ranger of the North, of course! I'm Aragorn's sister. You are?"

"I'm Alianariasëaefala Oenalarsafalothanarien Jaharanalercotania, and I'm Arwen's sister! Isn't that great? Because, when her and Aragorn get married, we'll be sisters, so we should be Best Friends, OK?"

Zenara smiled. "Yeah!"

"But what about Mr. Frodo," Sam cried, bringing them back to more important matters. It was to be a short lived victory, however.

"Oh, King Elrond's with him, so he'll be fine," Alianariasëaefala said, brushing the matter off with a wave of her hand.

A Random Unimportant Elf came and led Bill away. Alianariasëaefala showed them to their rooms, which had clean clothes and hot baths.

After a while Zenara came out. She had submitted to her girlish impulses and was wearing a light blue gown that matched her icy blue eyes perfectly. Her long, ebobny, wavy hair shimmered beautifully in the evening light. The dress fit her slim but muscular (but not muscular to look weird, of course) body delightfully.

She smiled and twirled around.

"You look great!" Alianariasëaefala said, twirling around also in her own green dress.

Alianariasëaefala's dress was the exact same colour as her eyes, which were like two sparkling emeralds. Her hair was the same colour as spun gold and flowed down her back like a river.

They went out to the Gardens and sat by one of the many crystal clear ponds.

"So, if you're Aragorn's sister. Than how come you didn't live here when he was here," asked AOJ.

Zenara replied, "Because I stayed at home to keep Mom company. Se was very lonely after Dad died. I learnt all of my Ranger skills from the rest of the Rangers."

They talked for a while, until they heard the Dinner Gong.

They entered just in time to hear Elrond berating another Random Unimportant Elf.

"-told you not to ring the gong - oh, hello my dears!" His mood had immediately changed upon seeing the two. "Come, come, sit down!" he said, ushering them all to their seats.

Then the Author got bored and skipped to a few days later.

A FEW DAYS LATER

Zenara was practicing sword fighting against Aragorn (winning every bout, of course), and as this did not interest Alianariasëaefala, she was wandering around randomly. As she walked past the Gate, an elf rode in on a white horse.

As soon as Alianariasëaefala saw him, she knew that he was the man (elf, rather) of her dreams.

"Hello, my good sir!" she called breathlessly. "Can I be of service to you?"

As soon as he saw her, a look of sheer horror crossed his face. "NOOO! IT'S – the most beautiful girl I've ever seen . . . ." A vacant expression had replaced the one of horror. His eyes were glazed over and he had gone slack jawed.

Alianariasëaefala giggled. "You flatter me, my Lord."

This brought the Elf to attention. He bowed, and taking her hand he kissed it.

"It is no flattery for one as beautiful as yourself."

Alianariasëaefala frowned, trying to understand the meaning of this comment. She decided that it was a compliment and smiled brilliantly again.

The Elf nearly fainted.

Gathering his composure, the Elf stammered, "May I ask your name, Milady?"

"I'm Alianariasëaefala Oenalarsafalothanarien Jaharanalercotania Princess of Rivendell. And yours?"

"I am Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood."

"Cool!" Alianariasëaefala squealed, "We're both Royalty!"

Legolas nodded silently.

"Anyway, is there anything I can do for you?"

"I, uh, yes, I came to talk to King Elrond about something . . . ."

"Oh good! There's a council tomorrow, so you can talk to him about it then."

"Yes . . . ."

Just then a bunch of People Who Are Not Important Enough To Have Names rode in, apparently also wanting to talk to Elrond about something as well.

Then another girl came in. She looked young, maybe fourteen or fifteen. She was also wearing strange clothes. A tight-fitting purple shirt with very short sleeves, bearing the legend "I'm too sexy for my shirt". A very short pair of trousers, also tight and made out of some blue material, and pinks sandals on her feet. Her hair was curly and brown and had streaks of pink in it.

"Like, Omigod! This must be like, Riverdale or whatever! Totally cool!" Then she spotted Legolas. The sound that came out of her mouth would be best described as a squeal. "Omigod omigod, it's Legolas! He is like, sooo hot! I like, can't believe it! This is like, the best day of my like, life!!"

The girl ran towards him with her arms outstretched . . . only to be attacked by Alianariasëaefala.

"Piss off!" she snarled, "He's mine! He's MY true love, and not ANYBODY else's! So there."

The strange girl crossed her arms and pouted. "Aww, you suck. Why are you so mean? Like, I didn't know." She began to sniffle. "Everyone was always so mean at home, and like picking on me for no reason, and I thought that I would like, fit in here and stuff and maybe people would be nice, but now you're being all mean . . . ."

Alianariasëaefala's face softened. "I guess I was a bit over protective . . . I'm sorry. Can we be friends?"

"Yeah, like totally! We'll be BFF's! I'm Brittney Julia Rebecca Mary Sue Sarah Brianna Forest, by the way!"

"I'm Alianariasëaefala Oenalarsafalothanarien Jaharanalercotania! It's so nice to meet you!"

Then, _another_ sue . . . er, that is, beautiful girl, rode in, along with Boromir (Actually Boromir was walking. But that is a small and unimportant detail).

Boromir stopped stock still and groaned.

"Not more of them!"


End file.
